The Nice Trap Overcoming People Pleasing & The Fawn Response (Nervous System Reset Ep 4)

Hi there, and welcome back to Calming Anxiety. This is the final episode of our nervous system reset mini-series. The nice trap, overcoming people pleasing. We've covered the freeze response, being stuck on the safer, and we covered fight or fight about racing panic. But today we're talking about the most subtle and perhaps the most hidden survival state of all, the "Forn" response. Do you find yourself apologizing when someone else bumps into you? Do you struggle to say no because you're terrified of disappointing people? Do you constantly scan the room to make sure everyone else is happy while you feel exhausted and invisible? This is not you just being nice. This is a nervous system strategy. The "Forn" response happens when your body decides that the only way to be safe is to merge with the needs of others, to be small, to be compliant, to avoid conflict at all costs. We are taught that this is a virtue, but often it is a trauma response. But today we're going to teach your nervous system a new truth. You can be safe and have boundaries. You can be kind and be powerful. Let's reclaim your space. Start now by finding that quiet place where you won't be disturbed, a comfortable seat or lying down whichever you prefer. When we are in the "Forn" state our energy is usually leaning forward. We are figuratively and literally reaching out to fix or tend to others. I want you to physically rock your way back, feel your seat bones connecting to the chair or the floor. Imagine you have a heavy dinosaur tail anchoring you to the earth. Now focus on your spine. Imagine a golden thread pulling the crown of your head upwards towards the sky. Create a vertical line. You are not leaning in, you are not pulling away.

You are simply upright. Repeat this in your mind. I am here. I am in my own center.

I am here. I am in my own center.

Now we are going to do a somatic exercise to establish a physical boundary. If you're in a place where you can move your arms I want you to place your hands in front of your chest, palms facing out, like you are pushing open a heavy double-drawn. On a slow exhale I want you to push your hands out away from you until your arms almost straight. Push the air away. As you do imagine you are inflating a bubble of space around you. Inhale and bring your hands back to your chest. Exhale push the boundary out again, slow and strong. You are not pushing people away aggressively. You are simply defining where you begin and where they end.

This is your space. Let your hands rest now. Imagine that bubble around you.

It is about an arm's length in every direction. This is your bubble of authority.

Inside this bubble your feelings matter, your needs matter, your no matters.

When we form we pop this bubble and let everyone out in. Visualize the walls of this bubble shimmering with light. They are permeable. Love can come in, kindness can go out, but stress and expectations and other people's urgencies. They hit the wall and slide off. I wonder what color you instinctively chose.

We are going to anchor this boundary now with affirmations. These might feel uncomfortable if you are used to pleasing everyone. That is perfectly okay. This is just the old wiring. Say these with me in your mind or out loud. My no is a complete sentence. My no is a complete sentence. I do not need to earn love by being useful. I do not need to earn love by being useful.

It is safe for me to disappoint others to protect myself. It is safe for me to disappoint others to protect myself.

The only strengths in your spine again, you are not mean, you are not selfish, you are simply a person with edges and healthy edges make the healthy relationships.

Notice how your body feels. Is there a little more solidity, a little more weight? That is the feeling of coming home to yourself. You are no longer merging, you are standing.

Now feel the rhythmic rise and form of your breathing. Breathe in all of your hopes, your dreams, your desires and then as you breathe out, imagine that bubble intensifying, radiating its strength and protection. Take a deep breath now, right down into your own belly. Claim that oxygen for you. As we finish this mini series and today's session, remember that you have the tools now. You can melt the ice of freeze, you can calm the storm of vital flight and you can stand tall against the form. You are strong, you are beautiful, you have regulated your entire system. Now gently wiggle your fingers and toes. Feel your energy for life coming back. Take another deep breath in, full of hope and expectation and as you relax, stretch out those muscles in your arms and legs. And now gently open your eyes. Thank you for trusting me with your nervous system these past few days. If this series helped you, please share it with a friend who needs a reset. Go out there and take up space today, you absolutely deserve it. I'm Martin, host and creator of Carming Anxiety. If you are new, do subscribe, hit the notification and maybe commit just for seven days for ten minutes of mindfulness. Take care my friend.

Smile often, positive thoughts especially when you look in the mirror and then in every thought word indeed, it's simple, be kind.