Bliss by Katherine Mansflied

Books at bed time by calming anxiety bliss by Catherine Mansfield Although Bercy Young was 30 she still had moments like this when she wanted a run instead of walk to take dancing steps on and off the pavement to bowl the hoop to throw something up in the air and catch it again or to stand still and laugh at nothing, at nothing simply What can you do if you are 30 and turning the corner of your own street you're overcome suddenly by a feeling of bliss Absolute bliss as though you're suddenly swallowed a bright piece of the late afternoon sun and it burned in your bosom sending out a little shower of sparks into every particle into every finger and toe Oh is there no way you can express it without being drunken disorderly how idiotic civilization is? Why? Why be given a body if you have to keep it shut up in a case like a rare rare fiddle? No, that about the fiddle is not quite what I mean she thought running up the steps and feeling in her bag for the key she'd forgotten it as usual and rattling the letterbox it's not what I mean because Frankie Mary she went into the hall is nurse back Yes, Ma'am and has the fruit come? Yes, Ma'am everything's come bring the fruit up to the dining room will you? I'll arrange it before I go upstairs it was dusky in the dining room and quite chilly but all the same birther threw off her coat she could not bear the tight clasp of it on for another moment and the cold air fell on her arms but in her bosom there was still that bright glowing place that shower of little sparks coming from it it was almost unbearable she hardly dared to breathe for fear of fanning it higher and yet she breathed deeply deeply she hardly dared to look into the cold mirror but she did look and it gave her back a woman radiant with smiling trembling lips with big dark eyes and an air of listening waiting for something divine to happen that she knew must happen infallibly Mary brought in the fruit on a tray and with it a glass bowl and a blue dish very lovely with a strange sheen on it as though it had been dipped in milk shall I turn on the light, Ma'am? No, thank you I can see quite well there were tangerines and apples stained with a strawberry pink some yellow pairs smooth as silk some white grapes covered with a silver bloom and a big cluster of purple ones these lasty thought had brought the tone in with a new dining room carpet yes that did sign rather far fetched and observed but it was really why she had brought them she had thought in the shop I must have some purple ones to bring the carpet up to the table and it had seemed quite sense at the time when she had finished with them and had made two pyramids of these bright round shapes she stood away from the table to get the effect and it was rarely the most curious for the dark table seemed to melt into the dusky light and the glass dish and the blue bowl to float in the air this of course in her present mood was so incredibly beautiful she began to laugh no no I'm getting hysterical and she seized her bag and coat and run upstairs to the nursery nurse sat at the load table giving little bee her supper after her bath the baby had on a white flannel guy on and a blue woolen jacket and her dark fine hair was brushed up into a funny little peak she looked up when she saw her mother and began to jump now my lovely eat it up like a good girl said nurse setting a lips in a way that berthin you and that meant she'd come into the nursery at another wrong moment how she been good nanny she's been a little sweet all afternoon whispered nanny we went to the park and I sat down on her chair and took her out of the pram and a big toy came along and put its head on my knees and she clutched its ears tugged it oh you should have seen her berthin wanted to ask if it wasn't a rather dangerous thing to let it clutch at a dog's ears but she did not dare to she stood watching them her hands by her side like the poor little girl in front of the rich little girl's house with a doll the baby looked up at her again stared and then smiled so charmingly that berthin couldn't help crying oh nanny do let me finish giving her supper while you put the bathrooms away well mom she ought to be changed hands watch she's eating said nanny still whispering it unsettles her it's very likely to upset her how absurd it was why have a baby if it has to be kept not in a case like a rare rare fiddle but in another woman's arms a white must said she very offended nanny handed her over now don't excite her after a supper you know you do mom and I have such a time with her after thank heaven nanny went out to the room with the bath towels now i've got you to myself my little precious said berthin as the baby leaned against her she ate the life for me holding up her lips for spoon and then waving her hands sometimes she wouldn't let the spoon go and sometimes just as berthraith filled it she waved it away to the four wins when the soup was finished berth turned around to the fire you're nice you're very nice she said kissing her warm baby i'm fond of you i like you and indeed she loved little b so much her neck as she bent forward her exquisite toes as they shone transparent in the firelight that all her feeling of bliss came back again and again she didn't know how to express it what to do with it you're wanted on the telephone said nanny coming back in triumph and seizing her little bee down she flew it was harry oh is that you berth look here i'll be late i'll take a taxi and come along as quickly as i can but get dinner put back 10 minutes will you all right yes perfectly oh harry yes what her jeet is say she had nothing to say she only wanted to get in touch with him for a moment she couldn't absurdly cry hasn't it been a divine day what is it wrapped out the little voice nothing said berthna and hung up the receiver thinking now how more than idiotic civilization was they had people coming to dinner the Norman knights a very sound couple he was about to start a theater and she was awfully keen on interior decoration a young man eddie Warren who would just published a little book of poems and whom everybody was asking to dine and a find of berthas called purle falton what miss falton did bertha didn't know they had met at the club and bertha had fallen love with her as she always did fall in love with beautiful women who had something strange about them the provoking thing was that though they had been about together a met a number of times and rarely talked bertha couldn't yet make her out up to a certain point miss falton was rarely wonderfully frank but the certain point was there and beyond that she would not go was there anything beyond it harry said no voted her dullish and cold like or blonde women with a touch perhaps of anemia of the brain but bertha wouldn't agree with him not yet at any rate no the way she has of sitting with her head a little one side and smiling has something behind it and i must found out what that something is most likely it's a good stomach answered harry he made a good point of catching berthas heels with replies of that kind liver frozen my dear girl or pure flatulence or kidney disease and so on for some strange reason bertha liked this and almost admired it in him very much she went into the drawing room and lighted the fire then picking up the cushions one by one that Mary had disposed so carefully she threw them back onto the chairs and the couches that made all the difference the room came alive at once as she was about to throw the last one on she surprised herself by suddenly hugging it to her passionately passionately but it did not put out the fire in her bosom oh on the contrary the windows of the drawing room opened onto a balcony overlooking the garden of the far end against the wall there was a tall slender pear tree in fullest riches bloom it stood perfect as though be calmed against the jade green sky bertha couldn't help feeling even from a distance that it not had a single bud or a faded petal down below in the garden beds the red and yellow tulips heavy with flowers seemed to lean upon the dusk a grey cat dragging its belly crept across the lawn and a black one its shadow trailed after the sight of them so intent and so quick gave bertha a curious shiver what creepy things are cats she stammered and she turned away from the window and began walking up and down how strong jonquil smelled in the warm room too strong oh no and yet as though overcome she flung down on a couch and pressed her hands to her eyes I'm too happy too happy she murmured and she seemed to see on her eyelids the lovely pear tree with its wide open blossoms as a symbol of her own life really really she had everything she was young harry and she were as much in love as ever and they got on together splendidly and were really good pals she had an adorable baby they didn't have to worry about money they had this absolutely satisfactory house and garden and friends modern thrilling friends writers and painters and poets and people of keen on social questions just the kind of friends they wanted and then there were the books and then there was music and she had found a wonderful little dress maker and they were going abroad in the summer and then you could made the most superb omelets I'm absurd absurd she sat up but she felt quite dizzy quite drunk it must have been the spring yes it was the spring now she was so tired she could not drag herself upstairs to dress a white dress a string of jade beads green shoes and stockings it wasn't intentional she had thought of this scheme hours before she stood at the drawing room window her petals russled softly into the hall and she kissed Mrs Norman Knight who was taking off the most amusing orange coat with a procession of black monkeys round the hem and up the front why why is this middle class so stodgy so utterly without a sense of humour my dear it's only by a fluke that I'm here at all Norman being the protective flu for my darling monkey so upset the train that it rose to a man and simply ate me with its eyes didn't laugh wasn't amused that I should have loved no just stared and bored me through and through but the cream of it was said Norman pressing a large tortoise shell rimmed a monocle into his eye you don't mind me telling this face to you in their home and among for their friends that they called each other face and mug the cream of it was when she being full fed turned to the woman beside her and said haven't you ever seen a monkey before oh yes Mrs Norman Knight joined in the laughter wasn't that too absolutely creamy and a funny thing still was that now her coat was off she did look like a very intelligent monkey who had even made that yellow dress out of a scraped banana skin and her amber earrings they were like little dangling nuts this is a sad sad form said mug pausing in front of little peas perambulator when the perambulator comes into the hall anyway the rest of the quotation away the bell rang it was lean pale eddy Warren as usual in a state of acute distress it is the right house isn't it he pleaded oh I think so I hope so said bertha brightly I have had such a dreadful experience with a taxi man who was most sinister I couldn't get him to stop the more I knocked and called the faster he went and in the moonlight this bizarre figure with the flattened head crouching over the little wheel he shuddered taking off in immense white silk scarf bertha noticed that his socks were white too most charming but how dreadful she cried yes it really was said eddy following a hurt into the drawing moon I saw myself driving through eternity in a timeless taxi he knew the Norman Knights in fact he was going to write a play for nk when the theater scheme came off well Warren how's the plays said Norman Knight dropping his molecule and giving his eye a moment in which to rise to the surface before it was screwed down again and miss his Norman Knight oh mr. Warren what happy socks I'm so glad you like them said he staring at his feet they seem to have got so much whiter since the moon rose and he turned his lean sorrowful young face to bertha there is a moon you know she wanted to cry I am sure there is often often he really was a most attractive person but so was face crouched before the fire in her banana skins and so was mug smoking a cigarette and saying as he flick the ash why doff the bride groom tary there he is now bang went the front door open and shut Harry shouted hello you people down in five minutes and they heard him swarm up the stairs bertha couldn't help smiling he knew how he loved doing things at high pressure what after all did an extra five minutes matter but he could pretend to himself that they mattered beyond measure and then he would make a great point of coming into the drawing room extravagantly cool and collected Harry had such a zest for life oh how he appreciated it in him and his passion for fighting for seeking in everything that came up against him another test of his power and his courage that too she understood even when it made him just occasionally to other people who didn't know him well a little ridiculous perhaps for there were moments when he rushed into the battle where no battle was she talked and laughed and positively forgot until he had come in just as she had imagined that pearl falton had not turned up I wonder if miss falton has forgotten I expect so said Harry is she on the phone there's a taxi now and bertha smiled without little air a proprietorship that she always assumed while her woman finds when new and mysterious she lives in taxis she'll run to fact if she does said Harry cooling ringing the bell for dinner frightful danger for blonde women Harry don't warn bertha laughing up at him came another tiny moment while they waited laughing and talking just a trifle too much at their ease a trifle too unaware and then miss falton all in silver with a silver filet binding I heard pale blonde hair came in smiling her head a little on one side am I late no not at all said bertha come along and she took her arm and they moved into the dining room what was there in the touch of that cool arm that could fan fan start blazing blazing the fire of bliss that bertha did not know what to do with it miss falton did not look at her but then she seldom did look at people directly her heavy eyelids lay upon her eyes and the strange half smile came and went upon her lips as though she lived by listening rather than seeing but bertha knew suddenly as if at the longest most intimate look had passed between them as if they had said to each other you too that perl falton stirring the beautiful red soup in the grey plate was feeling just what she was feeling and the others face and mug eddie and harry their spoons rising and falling dabbing their lips with their napkins crumbling bread fiddling with the forks and glasses and talking I met her at the alpha show the weirdest little person she had not only cut off her hair but she seemed to have taken a dreadfully good snip off her legs and arms and her neck and her paw let all nose as well isn't she very clear with michael ote oh the man who wrote love in falts teeth he wants to write a play for me one act one man decides to commit suicide gives all the reasons why he should and why he shouldn't and just as he's made up his mind either to do or not to do it curtain not half a bad idea what's he going to call it stomach trouble i think i've come across the same idea in a little French review quite unknown in england no they didn't share it they were dears dears and she loved having them there at her table and giving them delicious food and wine in fact she longed tell them how delightful they were and that what a decorative group they made how they seem to set one another off and how they reminded her of a play by check off harry was enjoying his dinner it was part of his well not his nature exactly and certainly not his pose his something or other to talk about food and to glory in his shameless passion for the white flesh of the lobster and the green of pistachio ises green and cold like the islands of Egyptian dancers when he looked up at her and said birther this is a very admirable souffle she almost could have wept with childlike pleasure oh why did she feel so tender towards the whole world tonight everything was good was right all that happened seemed to fill again her and the brimming cup of bliss and still in the back of her mind there was the pear tree it would be silver now in the light of poor dear eddie's moon silver as miss falton who sat there turning a tangerine in her slender fingers that was so pale a light seemed to come from them what she simply couldn't make out was what was miraculous was how she should have guessed miss falton's mood so exactly and so instantly because she never doubted for a moment that she was right and yet what had she to go on less than nothing i believe this does happen very very rarely between women never between men thought birther but while i'm making the coffee in the drawing room perhaps she will give a sign what she meant by that she did not know and what would happen after that she could not imagine while she thought like this she saw herself talking and laughing she had to talk because of her delzaya to laugh i must laugh or die but when she noticed faces funny little habit of tucking something down the front of her bodice as if she kept a tiny secret horde of nuts there too birther had to dig her nails into her hands so as not to laugh too much it was over at last and come and see my new coffee machine said birther we only have a new coffee machine once a fortnight said harry face took her arm this time miss falton bent her head and followed after the fire had died down in the drawing room to a red flickering nest of baby phoenixes said face don't turn up the light for a moment it is so lovely and down she crouched by the fire again she was always cold without her little red flannel jacket of course thought birther at that moment miss falton gave the sign have you a garden she said the cool sleepy voice this was so exquisite on her part that all birther could do was to obey he crossed the room pulled the curtains apart and opened those long windows there she breathed and the two women stood side by side looking at the slender flowering tree although it was so still it seemed like the flame of a candle to stretch up to point to quiver in the bright air to grow taller and taller as they gazed almost to touch the rim of the round silver moon how long did they stand there both as it were caught in that circle of unearthly light understanding each other perfectly creatures of another world and wondering what they were to do in this one with all the blissful treasure that burned in their bosoms and dropped in silver flowers from their hair and hands forever for a moment and did miss falton murmur yes just that or did birth a dream it then the light was snapped on and face made the coffee and Harry said my dear miss is night don't ask me about my baby i never see her i shan't feel the slightest interest in her until she has a lover and mug took his eye out of the conservatory for a moment and then put in an underglass again an eddy Warren drank his coffee and set down the cup with a face of anguish as though he had drunk and seen the spider what i want to do is to give the young men a show i believe london is simply teeming with first drop unwritten plays what i want to say to him is here's the theater fire ahead you know my dear i'm going to decorate a room for Jacob Nathan's oh i am so tempted to do a fried fish theme with the backs of the chairs shaped like frying pans and lovely chip potatoes embroidered all over the curtains the trouble with our young writing men is they are still too romantic you can't put out to see without being seasick and wanting a basin well why won't they have the courage of those basins a dreadful poem about a girl who was violated by beggar without a nose in a little word miss falton sank into the lowest deepish chair and harry handed round the cigarettes from the way he stood in front of her shaking the silver box and saying abruptly Egyptian turkeys virginian they were all mixed up birth a realist that she not only bored him he really disliked her and she decided from the way miss falton said no thank you i won't smoke that she felt it too and was heard oh harry don't dislike her you are quite wrong about her she's wonderful wonderful and besides how can you feel so differently about someone who means so much to me i shall try to tell you when we are in bed tonight what has been happening what she and i have shared at those last words something strange and almost terrifying darted into berth's mind and there's something blind and smiling whispered to her soon these people will go the house will be quiet quiet the lights will be out and you and he will be alone together in the dark room the warm bed she jumped up from her chair and ran over to the piano what a pity someone does not play she cried what a pity someone does not play and for the first time in her life bertha young desired her husband oh she loved him she'd been in love with him of course in every other way but just not in that way and equally of course she had understood that he was different they discussed it so often it had worried her dreadfully at first to find that she was so cold but after a time it did not seem to matter they were so frank with each other such good pals that was the best of being modern but now ardently ardently the word ached in her ardent body was this what that feeling of bliss had been leading up to but then then my dear said miss is normal night you know our shame we are the victims of time and train we live in hamstered it's been so nice i'll come with you into the hall said bertha i loved having you but you must not miss the last train that's so awful isn't it have a whiskey night before you go called Henry no thanks old chap bertha squeezed his hands for that as she shook it good night goodbye she cried from the top step feeling that this self of hers was taking leave of them forever when she got back into the drawing room the others were on the move then you can come part of that way in my taxi i should be so thankful not to have to face another drive alone after my dreadful experience you can get a taxi at the rank just at the end of the street you won't have to walk more than a few yards that's a comfort i'll go and put on my coat miss falton moved towards the hall and bertha was following when harry almost pushed past let me help you bertha knew but he was repenting his rudeness she let him go what a boy he was in some ways so impulsive so simple an eddy and she were left by the fire i wonder if you have seen bilks new poem called table to hut said eddy softly it's so wonderful in the last anthology have you got a copy i'd so like to show it to you it begins with an incredibly beautiful line why must it always be tomatosi yes said bertha and she moved noiselessly to a table opposite the drawing room door an eddy glided noiselessly after her she picked up the little book and gave it to him they had not made a sound while he looked it up she turned ahead towards the hall and she saw harry with miss falton's coat in his arms and miss falton with her back turned to him and her head bent he tossed the coat away put his hands on her shoulders and turned her violently to him his lip said i adore you and miss falton laid her moonbeam fingers on his cheeks and smiled her sleepy smile harry's nostrils quivered his lips cooled back in a hideous grin while he whispered tomorrow and with her eyelids miss falton said yes here it is said eddy why must it always be tomatosi it's so deeply true don't you feel tomatosi is so dreadfully eternal if you prefer said harry's voice bury loud from the hall i can phone you a cab to come to the door oh no it's not necessary said miss falton and she came back up to bertha and gave the slinger fingers to hold goodbye thank you so much goodbye said bertha miss falton held her hand a moment longer your lovely per tree she murmured and then she was gone with eddy following like the black cat following the grey cat on shut up shop said harry it's dravagantly cool and collected your lovely per tree per tree bertha simply ran over to the long windows oh what is going to happen now she cried but the per tree was as lovely as ever and as full of flowers and is still